Suck it up, sponge-face!

So.... let's talk about being a grown-up. Or more accurately, let's talk about being a grown-up in the film Revolutionary Road... because apparently it is the worst, most horrible, most soul-sucking experience known to man. Mere mortals go insane at the mention of doing dishes or laundry for the rest of their lives, and let's not even start talking about taking out the trash or mowing the lawn! It's just too much to handle!!! Please, Leo and Kate, save us from the mediocrity of our trivial lives!

I HATE films like Revolutionary Road or The Hours or any other movie that focuses on the horrible oppression felt by the middle class suburbanite. I find myself wanting to scream at the movie screen "Yes!! Yes, doing laundry sucks! Yes, cleaning toilets and washing dishes and mowing the lawn and taking the dog to the vet and paying bills is boring. Nobody likes cleaning or taking out the trash. But you know what? That's life. That's REAL life. And it's not pretty and it's not always exciting...... but unless you want to exist in a pile of your own filth, you have to do it. Or pay someone else to do it. But get OVER yourself! Quit whining!" 

I can't decide what is really to blame for this attitude-- but I have a theory based on action-adventure movies. In the typical action movie (I'm thinking The Italian Job or any of the Bourne movies or ANYTHING starring Colin Ferrell) there is never any dirty laundry. There is never a dirty dish or a mortgage. They don't live anything even CLOSE to a real, really real, life. And I'm not saying they should! Action heroes can't have their dirty laundry hanging around when they are saving the world. And while I'm on this little rant, romance movies are also probably a part of the problem. I mean, this is reaching back a bit now, but that's what drove me insane about The Bridges of Madison County: what you experience in ONE three-day weekend is more important and more "alive" than your twenty years of marriage. Marriage, love, adult life.... it's complicated! It's challenging! It occasionally sucks! But it is what it is.  

Look, if you want action and adventure and incredible romance...... rent The Princess Bride. But don't be upset when the unending tedium of everyday life gets you down. Take up a hobby. Read a book. Take a trip. Learn a new language. Whatever. But don't make a movie whining about how you hate to do the dishes and take out the trash. 

So when he gets in the sun, he gets "fabulous?"

Let me preface this blog entry by saying that I have not read any of the Twilight books. I didn't really see the point-- I mean, I teach high school so I heard about the basics of the plot line. The books themselves didn't strike me as literary masterpieces. Because I didn't read the books, I actually thought I might enjoy the movie MORE. I compared it to the Harry Potter movies, which I can barely enjoy because I obsess over the details and characters that must litter the editing room floor. I entered the movie theatre this afternoon with moderately high expectations of being entertained. 

Of course, I was sorely disappointed. 

I am totally amazed that this paltry plot line has sustained four sizable novels. The film plods along in mundane "teen age love story" movie fashion. The quiet loner girl makes deep eye contact with brooding, handsome boy. They are paired up as lab partners (Why are the main characters in these stupid movies always lab partners?) and they proceed to make angst-ridden faces at one another, speaking in breathy half-sentences which will become the cadence for the rest of the friggin' movie. 

"Is it... the proto- phase?"

"I think so.... should you.... check?" 

What is most aggravating about the whole movie is that it has potential simmering right beneath the surface of the stupid main story line. The whole Cullen clan, in the few scenes they are mentioned, are INFINITELY more interesting than Bella and Edward. Why don't we have a movie about a clan of vampires struggling to fit in and not consume their neighbors? That sounds more dynamic than this over-worked metaphor of teenage sexual repression.

Because let's be honest with ourselves: this whole series might as well be called "Sexual Repression and Denial: It's Not Just For Mormons Anymore!" If anyone can say that Edward's attraction to Bella isn't just three seconds and one failed pregnancy test away from being a Lifetime movie, I'd be shocked. And I'm not railing against the whole love-at-first-sight thing. It's been a pretty standard literary convention since Plutarch. My suspension of disbelief will stretch that far. But this relationship seems to be based entirely on the fact that Bella smells REALLY REALLY good. And to ask me, a fairly thoughtful audience member, to get emotionally invested in a relationship based on pheromones is a pretty big stretch. At the end of the movie, I don't really care much about Edward and Bella-- in fact, I was way more interested in the story line of the other vampires. 

And speaking of vampires, I do have a little bit of a bone to pick with the author. I know she needed to tweak the abilities and limitations of vampires for her particular story line. That's fine. But she got rid of one of the coolest vampire abilities, transformation into nocturnal animals, and added this stupid aspect of shimmering and looking all sparkly when they get into sunlight. Umm...... that has to be the lamest thing I have ever heard. This isn't even dangerous! Just goofy. I laughed out loud when I saw it. Seriously? That's your BIG secret? When you get in the sun, you get all shiny? Ooooo! Sign me up! 

This movie contains exactly two minutes of decent character development. Bella and Edward are shown in a series of montages developing their relationship, which does exactly nothing for the poor audience member who wants to understand more than just "They really really really like each other." The dialogue sounds like it was written by the kids from "Laguna Beach."I could not believe how stilted and simplistic every exchange was- and that is not the fault of the actors. The poor things were up there acting their butts off, trying SO hard to bring depth and meaning to lines like:

"Your scent is like my own personal heroin." 

Although the Pacific Northwest is one of the most cinematically breathtaking areas of the United States, the scenery is not enough to save this movie. I'm so glad I didn't waste the time and money on the books. 

On the positive side, I did get to see the preview for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Whoohoo! In the meantime, stay out of the sunlight so you don't get all glittery. 

 

Why do I watch such CRAP on TV?

I am a fairly intelligent woman. I read voraciously, I have a certain amount of curiosity about the world around me, I can converse about a myriad of topics and I have a vast array of useless information stored in my brain. So you would think that I wouldn't want to fill my head with meaningless drivel. I should be watching PBS or the History Channel or something.... 

Instead, I am drawn to totally nauseatingly bad reality TV. I found myself watching "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" tonight. I would like to say that it was the train-wreck effect (you know, so bad that you can't turn away) but I realized that, in fact, I was drawn into the sheer trashiness of the show. These women are so disgustingly opulent, so completely out-of-touch and isolated in their own materialistic bubbles.... and the fact that it takes place in Atlanta, the city where I reside.... it's so bizarre to me! I guess that's why the other shows in this series (Yes, I am admitting to have watched both the Orange County AND New York versions of this show) were blase in their over-the-top luxury. You expect people from California and New York to be self-absorbed Stepford Wives. I probably shouldn't be surprised that the wives of athletes in Atlanta would be exactly like the gated community bee-yatches of the O.C. 

The wonderful thing about the Atlanta housewives is that there is an element of trashiness, of nouveau-riche, unapologetic gaudiness, that is so.... honest. These women are materialistic and emotional black holes. You pity their families and their poor children that they are systematically poisoning. But they don't have the minimal amount of self-awareness to look around and say "Jesus Christ, my life is an empty hole of nothingness, a vapid wasteland of bags and shoes." But a part of me envies that happy selfishness. It seems like a pretty comfortable way to live- especially coming from someone that has money worries on the brain right now. To hear someone that lives 20 miles from me say on television "It's only $50,000. Buy it!" She lives 20 miles away but it might as well be 2,000. She lives in a completely different world. 

 So..... there's that. I watch trashy tv. That's my big confession for the evening. This concludes the "Getting to Know You" portion of our evening. 

I wrote this.... what do you think?

One Minute of Failure

(A blank stage except for a desk and two chairs. BOSS sits facing away from the audience. RACHEL comes in, sits in the chair on the DS side of the desk. An awkward pause hangs in the air.)

RACHEL: Hello again. (Pause) I.... I was.... well, frankly, I was surprised when I got your call... I thought... well, I don't want to say what I thought. (Fidgets awkwardly with items on the desk) I mean, I knew it was a long shot. I'm not the most qualified person that applied-- hell, I know I'm probably not in the top twenty most qualified. (Realizes she is touching things on his desk and draws back, sitting on her hands for a moment.) But... sometimes, you know, opportunity knocks and you just stand up and answer. Umm... so... I'm here. I brought another copy of my resume, you know, just in case you needed it. (She places it on the desk and BOSS turns and takes it) Well, I'll just let you look that over again. (Pause) Boy... It's awkward to sit across from someone reading something when you don't have anything to read yourself. I think it's even worse when it's all about you. I'm sitting here... imagining the words I typed last week. It was really bizarre to think about you reading them now. Whew.... is it getting hot in here? I feel a little flush. (Pause) Like I said, I was surprised when you called me. I said that already, didn't I? Right... I guess I shouldn't keep harping on it. (Pause) Oh! Did you get to the part where I explain my period of unemployment? I wanted to give an adequate explanation for my two years out of the productive workforce. I was a "guest of the state." (Laughs awkwardly) They are serious about you paying those traffic tickets. No messing around! (Instantly serious) No, seriously, if you are ever in an airport and someone asks you to hold something for them, say not! But luckily it looks like that's all behind me and the Homeland Security folks might even let me travel out of the country again in a year or two, so good news if there is traveling needed for this job. (Pause) I guess you've gotten to the part about working as an animal trainer at SeaWorld.... that's a pretty exciting point in my career, and I really feel that it shaped who I am today. Will work for raw fish! (Makes a "Rimshot Drum" noise and laughs) Whew.... tough crowd. Umm.. man, you are really reading that intently. I didn't think most interviewers really read every line, every word. If I had known that, I would have lied more--I mean... lied at all. Lied at all. Because of course I wouldn't lie. On a resume. That would be unethical. And bad. (Nervous and fidgeting, then finally bursting forth:) Okay! I didn't intern at Columbia! Okay! I admit it!  I didn't intern at Columbia and I didn't clerk for Justice Alito. I didn't intern at Columbia, I didn't clerk for Justice Alito and I have never published an article in The National Geographic. I believe I said co-authored, but maybe that's just splitting hairs at this point. (She pauses, waiting for BOSS to say something. When he does not, she explodes) You know, you didn't have to do this to me! Bring me in here just to humiliate me-- because that's what you did, didn't you? You knew the whole time I was just going to come in here, realize you knew I was a big fat liar, and slowly descend into a pathetic puddle of failure-goo right here on your expensive carpet! Why? I just wanted a job! Was that so bad? Tell me you've never lied about anything in your life to get what you wanted? I know you can't! (She stands up, pointing an emphatic accusing finger at him) You probably lied to get where you are right now! You stabbed people in the back, stepped on the little guy, pushed people down to climb up the corporate ladder for the right to sit there, marinating in your.... your RIGHTNESS about how you caught me in a few paltry little embellishments on my resume. Fine. Fine! Are you proud of yourself? You found me out! (She climbs up on her chair) But I didn't do it for me! I did it for all the people who are stuck in dead-end jobs, who dream of having an office with a door AND a window! I have a dream that one day, we will not judge someone by the lines on their resume but by the lines on their.... forehead! I.... I... (She pauses, catching her breath and realizing what she is saying) Oh.... Okay... I am really, really sorry and I just.... I'll just take that. (She steps down from the chair and snatches the resume from the BOSS) You know what? I think we can just.... we can just forget that I ever came in today. We can pretend this never happened, okay? Okay... okay.... Thanks (She exits. BOSS shrugs and turns back around away from the audience.)