(A blank stage except for a desk and two chairs. BOSS sits facing away from the audience. RACHEL comes in, sits in the chair on the DS side of the desk. An awkward pause hangs in the air.)
RACHEL: Hello again. (Pause) I.... I was.... well, frankly, I was surprised when I got your call... I thought... well, I don't want to say what I thought. (Fidgets awkwardly with items on the desk) I mean, I knew it was a long shot. I'm not the most qualified person that applied-- hell, I know I'm probably not in the top twenty most qualified. (Realizes she is touching things on his desk and draws back, sitting on her hands for a moment.) But... sometimes, you know, opportunity knocks and you just stand up and answer. Umm... so... I'm here. I brought another copy of my resume, you know, just in case you needed it. (She places it on the desk and BOSS turns and takes it) Well, I'll just let you look that over again. (Pause) Boy... It's awkward to sit across from someone reading something when you don't have anything to read yourself. I think it's even worse when it's all about you. I'm sitting here... imagining the words I typed last week. It was really bizarre to think about you reading them now. Whew.... is it getting hot in here? I feel a little flush. (Pause) Like I said, I was surprised when you called me. I said that already, didn't I? Right... I guess I shouldn't keep harping on it. (Pause) Oh! Did you get to the part where I explain my period of unemployment? I wanted to give an adequate explanation for my two years out of the productive workforce. I was a "guest of the state." (Laughs awkwardly) They are serious about you paying those traffic tickets. No messing around! (Instantly serious) No, seriously, if you are ever in an airport and someone asks you to hold something for them, say not! But luckily it looks like that's all behind me and the Homeland Security folks might even let me travel out of the country again in a year or two, so good news if there is traveling needed for this job. (Pause) I guess you've gotten to the part about working as an animal trainer at SeaWorld.... that's a pretty exciting point in my career, and I really feel that it shaped who I am today. Will work for raw fish! (Makes a "Rimshot Drum" noise and laughs) Whew.... tough crowd. Umm.. man, you are really reading that intently. I didn't think most interviewers really read every line, every word. If I had known that, I would have lied more--I mean... lied at all. Lied at all. Because of course I wouldn't lie. On a resume. That would be unethical. And bad. (Nervous and fidgeting, then finally bursting forth:) Okay! I didn't intern at Columbia! Okay! I admit it! I didn't intern at Columbia and I didn't clerk for Justice Alito. I didn't intern at Columbia, I didn't clerk for Justice Alito and I have never published an article in The National Geographic. I believe I said co-authored, but maybe that's just splitting hairs at this point. (She pauses, waiting for BOSS to say something. When he does not, she explodes) You know, you didn't have to do this to me! Bring me in here just to humiliate me-- because that's what you did, didn't you? You knew the whole time I was just going to come in here, realize you knew I was a big fat liar, and slowly descend into a pathetic puddle of failure-goo right here on your expensive carpet! Why? I just wanted a job! Was that so bad? Tell me you've never lied about anything in your life to get what you wanted? I know you can't! (She stands up, pointing an emphatic accusing finger at him) You probably lied to get where you are right now! You stabbed people in the back, stepped on the little guy, pushed people down to climb up the corporate ladder for the right to sit there, marinating in your.... your RIGHTNESS about how you caught me in a few paltry little embellishments on my resume. Fine. Fine! Are you proud of yourself? You found me out! (She climbs up on her chair) But I didn't do it for me! I did it for all the people who are stuck in dead-end jobs, who dream of having an office with a door AND a window! I have a dream that one day, we will not judge someone by the lines on their resume but by the lines on their.... forehead! I.... I... (She pauses, catching her breath and realizing what she is saying) Oh.... Okay... I am really, really sorry and I just.... I'll just take that. (She steps down from the chair and snatches the resume from the BOSS) You know what? I think we can just.... we can just forget that I ever came in today. We can pretend this never happened, okay? Okay... okay.... Thanks (She exits. BOSS shrugs and turns back around away from the audience.)
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