So when he gets in the sun, he gets "fabulous?"

Let me preface this blog entry by saying that I have not read any of the Twilight books. I didn't really see the point-- I mean, I teach high school so I heard about the basics of the plot line. The books themselves didn't strike me as literary masterpieces. Because I didn't read the books, I actually thought I might enjoy the movie MORE. I compared it to the Harry Potter movies, which I can barely enjoy because I obsess over the details and characters that must litter the editing room floor. I entered the movie theatre this afternoon with moderately high expectations of being entertained. 

Of course, I was sorely disappointed. 

I am totally amazed that this paltry plot line has sustained four sizable novels. The film plods along in mundane "teen age love story" movie fashion. The quiet loner girl makes deep eye contact with brooding, handsome boy. They are paired up as lab partners (Why are the main characters in these stupid movies always lab partners?) and they proceed to make angst-ridden faces at one another, speaking in breathy half-sentences which will become the cadence for the rest of the friggin' movie. 

"Is it... the proto- phase?"

"I think so.... should you.... check?" 

What is most aggravating about the whole movie is that it has potential simmering right beneath the surface of the stupid main story line. The whole Cullen clan, in the few scenes they are mentioned, are INFINITELY more interesting than Bella and Edward. Why don't we have a movie about a clan of vampires struggling to fit in and not consume their neighbors? That sounds more dynamic than this over-worked metaphor of teenage sexual repression.

Because let's be honest with ourselves: this whole series might as well be called "Sexual Repression and Denial: It's Not Just For Mormons Anymore!" If anyone can say that Edward's attraction to Bella isn't just three seconds and one failed pregnancy test away from being a Lifetime movie, I'd be shocked. And I'm not railing against the whole love-at-first-sight thing. It's been a pretty standard literary convention since Plutarch. My suspension of disbelief will stretch that far. But this relationship seems to be based entirely on the fact that Bella smells REALLY REALLY good. And to ask me, a fairly thoughtful audience member, to get emotionally invested in a relationship based on pheromones is a pretty big stretch. At the end of the movie, I don't really care much about Edward and Bella-- in fact, I was way more interested in the story line of the other vampires. 

And speaking of vampires, I do have a little bit of a bone to pick with the author. I know she needed to tweak the abilities and limitations of vampires for her particular story line. That's fine. But she got rid of one of the coolest vampire abilities, transformation into nocturnal animals, and added this stupid aspect of shimmering and looking all sparkly when they get into sunlight. Umm...... that has to be the lamest thing I have ever heard. This isn't even dangerous! Just goofy. I laughed out loud when I saw it. Seriously? That's your BIG secret? When you get in the sun, you get all shiny? Ooooo! Sign me up! 

This movie contains exactly two minutes of decent character development. Bella and Edward are shown in a series of montages developing their relationship, which does exactly nothing for the poor audience member who wants to understand more than just "They really really really like each other." The dialogue sounds like it was written by the kids from "Laguna Beach."I could not believe how stilted and simplistic every exchange was- and that is not the fault of the actors. The poor things were up there acting their butts off, trying SO hard to bring depth and meaning to lines like:

"Your scent is like my own personal heroin." 

Although the Pacific Northwest is one of the most cinematically breathtaking areas of the United States, the scenery is not enough to save this movie. I'm so glad I didn't waste the time and money on the books. 

On the positive side, I did get to see the preview for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Whoohoo! In the meantime, stay out of the sunlight so you don't get all glittery.